What if…
the USA was still part of the UK?
This came to me from our (Canadian) friends Hank and Marian Hofmann, with greetings to all of us Yanks for a Happy 4th.
Message from Her Majesty The Queen To the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves properly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress (House and Senate) and the Executive Branch will be disbanded.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘u’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. By the way, there will no longer be such a thing as ‘US English’.
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. This will stop.
3. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you cannot sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you are not ready to shoot grouse.
4. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. At the same time, your system of weights and measures will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
5. You will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10 (USD) per gallon. Get used to it.
6. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
7. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as ‘beer’, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as ‘lager’. American brands will be referred to as ‘Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine’, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
8. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
9. You will stop referring to your baseball championship as the World Series since baseball is a game which is not played professionally outside of America.
10. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. God Save the Queen!
Here’s the (our?) Queen on her recent visit in honor of Canada Day:
And leaving Parliament Hill:
And, in honor of a great Canadian, Oscar Peterson:
Happy Canada Day (belatedly). Happy July 4th.
It’s not important but Andie McDowell was not playing an English girl but an American in the “4 Weddings” movie so she didnt attempt an English accent.
Also baseball is certainly played professionally outside of America.
Ignorance about the colonies was a large part of what lost them for the UK in the first place
Hey, what if the UK became a protectorate of the U.S.? Can you hear the Queen shopping at Walmart with a Texas accent? Ride ’em cowgirl!