A funny-pages manifesto

I grew up reading comic books. I learned to read the newspaper by reading the funny pages. Andy Capp, Bloom County, Peanuts, Doonesbury, and Calvin and Hobbes.

Those were staples of my childhood.

Some of the most enduring characters in American pop culture come from those ink-drenched pages. Prince Valiant. The Katzenjammer Kids. Beetle Bailey. Rip Kirby. Li’l Abner.

The last decade, comic books — sorry, graphic novels — have experienced a renaissance.

The writing is brilliant, the art is compelling. Every conceivable genre is represented, from action adventure to romance and comedy.

Literary comics outsell literary novels and half the movies in the cineplex this summer are strip-minded from Marvel or DC.

But let’s face it, the comics page in the newspaper is a different story. It’s a disaster, a mind-numbing collection of drab humor, soap opera, Catskills-era gags, and crummy art.

The Peanuts strip remains on life support, years after Charles Schulz passed away.

Garfield is stale as a week-old plate of lasagna. Dilbert, a source of razor-sharp cubicle wit years before The Office premiered, has been reduced to a schtick.

Meanwhile, the old greats — Prince Valiant, the Phanton, Dick Tracy — are a total mess. The plots are inscrutable, the writing vapid and the art is atrocious.

Many a day, the best offerings are Shoe…or Wizard of Id. And that’s not saying so much.

I know we have a lot to worry about these days, but the demise of the Great American Funny Pages kind of stinks.

How do we train a new generation of kids to read newspapers if they’re not scrambling for their morning dose of Calvin and Hobbes? Or jonzing for the latest Far Side cartoon?

As newspapers reinvent themselves, they should think about demanding that the big comics syndicates find some new talent, or cultivate some home-grown artists.

Surely one of those brilliant comic books teams would love to create a daily strip with national exposure.

In the meantime, we’ll all have to suffer along with Hi & Lois…and roll our eyes as poor Dagwood tries to milk one more joke out of one more sandwich.