Terror on the playground
This week, state Senator Betty Little from Queensbury co-sponsored legislation aimed at targeting bullies in our public schools.
“Bullying is a chronic problem,” she argued. “Left unaddressed, the intensity usually grows greater each day for the child subjected to teasing, ridicule, isolation and physical violence.”
I grew up in a different age when bullying was seen as a rite of passage, a more or less natural part of childhood.
As a consequence, I spent several years — at two different schools — in absolute terror.
I know that sounds like a strong word. But I remember vividly the anguish that came to surround the simple act of going to school.
I was confident every single day that I would face mockery, hazing, and often a terrible thrashing.
I’ve experienced a lot of frightening things since those school days. I’ve been robbed in northern Africa. I’ve gone over waterfalls. I’ve watched smoke pouring out of the vents of a rickety Cuban airliner.
But nothing matches that sense of powerlessness on the schoolyard, the sense of being trapped at the bus stop.
And the truth is that I didn’t have it so bad. I remember with deep shame a girl in my middle school — an awkward, beautiful, art-classy sort of girl — who was picked out for torture by the other children.
They called her “Parasite” for some reason. I even heard teachers calling her that. One day I passed her in the hallway, approaching from behind, and she flinched like a thrashed dog.
At the time, this all seemed inevitable to me: that’s what school meant. It was a grinding, tribal conflict. There were winners and losers. You were in or you were out.
Years later, when my older brother Allen had kids, he was the first to set me straight. He had become a school teacher himself, a conservative no-nonsense kind of guy.
“My boys will never go through that,” Allen said. “They go to school to learn, not to survive.”
“Okay, but isn’t bullying a part of growing up?” I asked. “Doesn’t it toughen kids? Give them spine?”
But I knew as I said it that it wasn’t true. There was absolutely nothing about being bullied that made me stronger.
I love books and ideas and conversation and debate, but I came to hate school. I barely finished high school, and never finished college.
The good news is that things are getting better. The push to make schools safer began in earnest after the Columbine shooting.
After that deadly rampage, teachers and parents testified that their school’s culture was shaped by bullies who systematically terrorized students.
“I saw how afraid and scared my special education kids were,” one teacher told a commission investigating the shootings. “I mentioned it at staff meetings. I didn’t get any response. They kind of blew me off.”
The tragedy in Colorado sparked a national reassessment of the social culture within our schools.
Many districts here in the North Country have already adopted zero-tolerance policies and added counseling staff trained to deal with this kind of problem.
But in pushing for new anti-bullying legislation, Senator Little makes a strong case that we still have a long way to go.
“Last month, a West Islip teen hanged herself after being harassed by cyber-bullies who taunted her even in death,” according to Little’s statement.
-Another West Islip teenager was repeatedly cyber-bullied and beaten so badly by a classmate that she had to have reconstructive surgery on her face.
-In Brooklyn, a 5-year-old kindergarten student was beat up by classmates, who also cut her hair.
It’s heartbreaking and it’s preventable.
As we debate this legislation, our goal should be a a simple new social contract between teachers, parents and law enforcement: Our kids should feel safe going to school every single day.
Your thoughts welcome.
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You are so right, and brave to tell your own story. Bullying is not a rite of passage, it is horrible behavior that, in an adult, would be criminal. The condoning of it, and pooh-poohing about it, by school officials and parents over the years is pathetic and shameful. I grew up right in Saranac Lake, where the bullying was violent and bad. As a new kid in 6th grade, and an oblivious smart-aleck, I became the target for a group of low-class thugs. Among these were some who ended up in prison, some who are already dead because of their violent lifestyles. These were not kids who passed mean notes, but kids who would punch you in the face, then kick you on the ground. The bullying of me, and of other kids, the bloody fights on the playground, were ignored by the adults, some of whom were bullies themselves. Things do seem better now, although, as you say, not all better.
The greatest tragedy to befall most kids is sending them to public school. Elementary is bad enough. Middle school, when the real crap starts is horrible. High school is just hell for many kids. I’d guess the 10-15% of “popular kids” do fine. From there on the pecking order is vicious.
Why? Why do the teachers and administration allow it? Some of them take part in the hazing, name calling and favoritism. People talk about the “blue wall of silence” among police. That’s nothing compared to the solidarity among teachers and administration.
I’m not in favor or schools acting as parents. But I am in favor of schools acting as authority figures, setting rules and enforcing them EQUALLY among all the students. I’m sure we’re all familiar with the sports star or child of a prominent local person who seems to always get away with outrageous behavior or gets special treatment. What does that teach our kids? Sadly, most of us lack the money or ability to home school or send our kids to private schools where things are taken a bit more seriously.
The one good thing I’ve found about the “system” is that those kids who are the darlings/heroes/stars in high school usually end up the divorced drunks or live versions of Bruce Springsteens “Glory Days” song, living in the past when they won the big game or were the Prom Queen or head of the Student Council or something. The wall flowers, losers, geeks and freaks (like most of us) learned how to muddle through and keep fighting and just want to forget school ASAP. In my high school year book are my wifes and my pictures and our future plans. Both of us succeeded, remain married and have done better than the majority of our classmates. The stars? A couple are still sitting on the same barstool they were on 25 years ago, some are lost entirely and a few are working minimum wage jobs in go nowhere industries, some are still attending a community college…..30 years later! I’m not sure that makes up for the trauma school put us through, but it sort of evens things out I guess.
My son Nicholas goes to high school in Saranac Lake next year. It’s interesting that his childhood has been essentially bullying free so far.
Other parents I’ve spoken to have had less positive experiences — but our time so far in the Saranac Lake district has been great.
I do think things are getting better…
Brian, NCPR
Thanks for posting that Brain. There is nothing good or helpful about being terrorized in school, it does not make us guys tougher or more ready for the challenges of life; bullying is abuse we should not put up with it in relationship or at work, we should not put up with it in school. I do think too many schools have a hands off attitude toward bullying; although this is changing.
The example I was given was let’s say you walked into work at NCPR and a co-worker came up behind you and kicked your coffee mug out of your hand and gives you a good shove in the back; and laughs and laughs. You are rightfully shocked and tell Mrs. Rocco; she says well don’t tattle and you should really work this out between the two of you; stand up for yourself a little that is the only way to stop being assaulted, he knows your weak so you should really try to project a tougher stance it would be good for you to learn to be more violent. This is the message many of our children hear.
School should be an environment of safety, you don’t have to like everyone and everyone won’t like you, but physical and verbal abuse is something that a school has a responsibility to stop.
“The greatest tragedy to befall most kids is sending them to public school.”
Exactly. Because every public school, each and every one, is a horrible hell hole, with nothing positive going on in any of them.
Shut them all down.
Yes, more should be done about this bullying. Due to my experience I suggest something more be done to educate the bullies and their parents. Now in a senior citizen complex I find the same treatment. When I am offend by the language, as in grade, I speak up and the bullying gets worse with management and even town authorities telling me to grow up and face reality of the world I live in. Anybody can take God’s name in vain but I can not tell anybody about God’s love or even mention the Bible. My 2 favorites subjects have been for many years God and country but these are not allowed to be discussed in public. Where is the tolerance? BB
If someone says something to a student whose; breasts are hanging out or whose pants are placed on their body so as to display their buttcrack or who has a nasal or eyelid piercing or has a colored huge mohawk or in general has choosen to bring attention to him/herself. are they being bullied if someone says something about their appearance? Just a question.
Bob –
If someone has a concern like this, there are plenty of ways to address it: talk to a teacher, an administrator, a parent.
But if your question is, Do people deserve bullying or mockery if they choose to look different? I’d say the answer is no.
–Brian, NCPR
The question is; is it bullying?
Bob said: “are they being bullied if someone says something about their appearance? Just a question.”
Depends on what they say. Define “something.”
Okay, Lets say; a student has a huge mohawk and colors it every other day or so. As a result; students make comments such as; hey my grandmothers hair is that color and on another day; looks like a cremsicle. The student never tells anyone about it and never tells them to stop. Is it “bullying”?
Bob –
I think it’s clear that educators have to navigate a lot of gray zones with kids.
But it strikes me that a simple enough rule is, If you’re making someone feel bad, stop doing what you’re doing.
So, if I’m a teacher and I see a kid tell another child, “Your hair looks like my grandmother’s,” my first response would be: “Be kind. And if you can’t be kind, mind your own business.”
The second time I saw it happen, I would send the kid doing the harassing down the hall.
The bottom line? Kids with colored hair are healthy, vibrant, expressive, funky.
(My own “difference,” by the way, was a crossed eye. Yup, I looked like a halibut.)
Kids who are taunting them for it need some help, and they need to understand that their behavior is unacceptable.
–Brian, NCPR
We can’t expect teachers to catch everything or kids not to model what they see and hear in the media. Whether it is people being shouted down at a political event or a comedians rantings. Kids are impressionable. If you have a physical disability that is one thing, but if you are way outside the norm or values of a community and seek attention, when you get it and don’t like it you need to tell someone in authority so it can be stopped. I believe schools do the best they can when they know about a situation. If you or someone you know is being bullied tell someone.
The school is a controlled environment or should be. Bullying is not simply being a little mean, bullying is a pattern of behavior including taunting, physical violence, destruction of property, malicious lies spread through the internet or text and so forth.
The school can and should control what is happening in its confines. For example if you leave kids alone in a locker room unattended yes there will be bullying, so don’t do that, it is not hard. Bullying often happens in schools simply through negligence and laziness, it is often a hassle to stay on top of things but that is what is needed and that is what I expect of a school system.
My experience so far in my public school has been very positive on this front.
It’s not the kid with weird hair or the one that chooses to be odd that’s the problem. It’s the whole “let the kids run their own mini-society” that’s wrong. The school should provide guidance, the concept that there are rules of behavior that are acceptable, that people have value. Instead, we teach them that whatever feels good is okay, that the teachers pets or children of prominent people are “special” and that “some pigs are more equal than others”.
Want it a little better? Go to school uniforms. Real simple, inexpensive move. And it works. Lots less problems that way.
Bret4207, So if you are wearing the school uniform, do you still get to keep the purple mohawk or are there restrictions placed on hair, jewelry, etc etc?
Bob,
Who cares? Why are you trying to undermine the point with nitpicky examples? In my case, I was punched in the face, suffocated in headlocks and called a “little (slur for a gay person)” on more than one occasion — would you call that bullying? I think, in most cases, it’s clear when kids are bullying others. Sometimes, in mild cases, it might not be clear how mean they’re being — the response should fit the offense. The point is, there should be a response, at the very least when it’s clearly bullying. Your generalization about schools “doing the best they can” is wrong. Did the Mass. school do the best it could to protect the girl who recently committed suicide because of intense bullying that the school knew about?
Bob, you’re whole attitude in every post seems to be that “nothing can be done”. Comon’ man, we CAN do some things, we can change things.
No, I’d say establishing a dress and personal grooming code would go a long way towards stopping not just some of the bullying, but some of the social pecking order too. The poor kid in a Dickies shirt and pants is going to have one less thing to worry about when the rich kid is wearing the same outfit.
Will, I care. Because when schools “adopt zero tolerance policys” and then some student in elementary school brings a toy gun to school for some performance and is suspended from school for doing so I find it stupid. I have no idea if you were bullied. I have no knowledge of the Mass. case you are speaking of. I do know that students get caught with nipicking and it is wrong.
Bob, I agree completely on the gun policy, stupid isn’t the word. IGNORANT fits better.
Stopping bullying is not about nitpicking or about zero tolerance rules. It is about adults being present in all aspects of the school and involved. Written rules won’t change anything, Bret is correct allowing little mini-societies to exist and then walking away is what lets these things fester. Of course that is the easy thing to do staying on top of things is a hassle and takes more time. The attitude that “boys will be boys and we know girls are catty” so let them be is sometimes the attitude which lets this sort of abuse continue. Also if you were an abuser/bully when you were in high school or middle school you are probably not going to take this problem very seriously.
Strong adult monitoring and involvement is the best way along with always taking this seriously and always responding to allegations and be willing to step in and react strongly against those who are the perpetrators.
Since Brian mentioned Saranac Lake Schools , my older daughters attended them from K thru 12 . They sure had their certainly of childhood and teenage problems, but never lmentioned bullying as being one, or in any way seemed fearful, humiliated, or otherwise bullied. And I doubt that they were considered to be among the cool elite. This is not to put SL on a pedestal, but rather to point out that ibullying does not necessarily occur to al in all schools.