Big government finally cracks the healthcare crisis, zombie-style
The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta has finally sorted out the biggest healthcare crisis facing America: the coming zombie apocalypse.
As we approach a weekend where at least one American church group believes the world will end, the CDC is covering all its bases by issuing a detailed explanation of how the government will respond — if we start eating each other.
There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e.
You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.
The web page created by CDC pretends to use zombie attacks as a metaphor for disaster preparedness of all sorts.
But I can’t help but think that this is what all those taxpayer funded experts are really talking about around the water cooler.
An obesity epidemic? Snore. A Medicare program that’s groaning under the weight of a nation of graying baby boomers. No way.
I like to think that our biggest brains are at work on the really meaty questions. (Get it? Meaty?)
If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation.
This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine).
Haven’t these people ever seen a zombie movie? Don’t they know that isolation and quarantine never work? The best plan it so hole up in a shopping mall, preferably one with a big Black & Decker store.
But wait, there’s more:
Not only would scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas (I will be volunteering the young nameless disease detectives for the field work).
In case you think I’m joking about the source of this very important information, I’m posting the web address below so you can prepare yourselves. Don’t say the In Box didn’t warn you…
I think their intent is to inject a bit of humor into an exhortation to be prepared for emergencies, something that given the weather catastrophes of the past year is not a bad idea. (My H.S English teacher would hate that sentence) It did succeed in getting your attention Brian, not to mention all of us whom you alerted to the link so… maybe it was a really good idea. Would you have passed that on if it was a boring bureaucratic piece describing disaster preparedness? And getting people to pass it on is the essence of social media.
The zombie apocalypse already happened. Drive down any road and you’ll see that most drivers are obviously zombies. Ever ride the subway in NYC? All zombies, try not to make eye contact. UN meetings? Zombies. People who watch Two and a Half Men…you get it. So forget being prepared for disaster; you’re a dead man walking, or potentially un-dead man walking as the case may be. Besides, the world is going to end in two days. Might as well eat some brains between now and then.
” Might as well eat some brains between now and then.”
perhaps with a nice chiante
Having seen this story reported on several other sites I can report the general consensus is that CDC needs to hire some adults. While I understand the thought behind the attempt, it’s kind of like the recent practice of candidates appearing on comedy shows to announce their platforms, etc. How can you take it seriously?
What’s next? Dress Marines up as Big Bird to push early childhood education in Afghanistan?
Hey! Great idea Bret! I’m calling Owens’ and Gibson’s offices today to push for it.
For those interested in zombie news Martha Petteys had a column in the Post Star alerting us to the scourge.
http://poststar.com/lifestyles/columns/local/petteys/article_911fb124-7ea5-11e0-810f-001cc4c03286.html
As for the rapture, (raptor? rupture?), I am anticipating a helluva party, having been freed from the bonds of trying to be a good boy. I am however, keeping careful eye out for horn buds showing on the Republicans as they move forward on their plan for world domination. Warm wishes for a meaningful rapture, to all!
The possibility of the appearance a “zombie virus”, a mutated form of recombined rabies and influenza virus, can and has been hypothesized. No, the infected person would not be “undead” but might show the “symptoms” of a zombie. In such a case isolation and quarantine would at least protect uninfected individuals, although very few individuals have ever survived a rabies infection.
As for this material being presented on the CDC website, I have no problem with that. Ever seen a comic book style army manual on how to take care of your M-16 (Vietnam era)… on protecting yourself from venereal disease? The military often had to present technical information written at an elementary school level and in a comic book format.
If using imaginary zombies helps get out a message to a segment of today’s population, go for it.
Lastly, let’s not forget that zombies originated with a religion.
This is just goofy and a waste of money.